If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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