I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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