Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
