I am in a vortex of obligation.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
