shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
