i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
