Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
