mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
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