Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize