you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
