I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Operation Purity has been aborted
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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