I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
