Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My penis needs a shock collar
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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