my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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