I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
