Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
