He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
