just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
