: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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