i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
