I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize