That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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