It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
