Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
