Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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