Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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