So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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