You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
