Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize