When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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