Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
