I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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