u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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