Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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