I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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