I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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