He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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