I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
