Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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