Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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