I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
