happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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