My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So much rum. So many feels.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
