when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
