I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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