what day is it and did you see me today?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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