Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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