The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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