Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
