I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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