why do cheetos always look like penises
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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