True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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