When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
