Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
