Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
