Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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