I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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